First of all, I am sorry not sorry for sharing naked pictures in public! These pictures were taken in Golden, British Columbia of Canada in spring 2016 when I was ski patrolling with these amazing ladies. Now, right before you judge us, I tell you that this has absolutely nothing to do with "selling sex" to anyone. Instead the pictures are presenting raw, beautiful and strong females, being proud of their feminine energy within a very physical and masculine work environment, where all of us were performing as a professional and equal work force with the male members of the team. Often us females tend to believe that we need to act tough and hide our femininity, kind of be one of the men when we live or work in so called men’s world. As we may think that showing vulnerability or softness could be taken as weakness.
Within these shots I want to state that you can have strength, wisdom, femininity and vulnerability in the same package and still perform equally. Actually, I dare to say that making yourself vulnerable is the biggest strength you can show off. I remember first being a bit shy to do this photoshoot, however after all it was one of the most empowering experiences I ever had. Getting naked in this raw, pure and even sacred environment in a mountain top really makes you realise how small we are, yet how deeply we are connected to Mother Nature. Why we often get so frigging serious in life anyway and forget to play and have fun?
Actually my topic for this blog post is kind of serious as I will talk about burn-out and depression, and that's why I wish to memorize fun and empowering moments from the past. Now that I look back to those times in Golden, I could say that even I was out of my comfort zone pretty much on daily basis within this job, I was possibly living life at its fullest. I always felt supported and encouraged within these beautiful, rad and badass ladies, even though I was an absolute rookie when it comes to first aid, mountain safety and avalance control. Even when I used weird words for the first aid equipment (most likely made up by myself) and spoke with funny finnish accent over the radio, they still understood me and let me be me without judging. Thank You ladies (and, of course male members of the team as well being equally as awesome and supportive), working and playing with you, was a true women empowering women experience.
I am sorry, not sorry... at all!
As I briefly mentioned above, the reason being why I returned back to these pictures and memories now, is that I have recently been forced to face burn out, therefore show vulnerability and finally stop pushing forward. I feel completely exhausted, depressed and useless, I have been sitting with these feelings and digesting my life from the previous past and actually all the way back to my twenties. It's been scary, painful and depressing as hell. However, slowly through the process I am finally stepping into my feminine power, treating myself with kindness and forgiviness, and most importantly starting to love myself. I have finally chosen myself and put myself first, as I cannot be helpful to anyone if I do not feel well. I have also come into understanding that the burn-out has been going on for several years since I left my career job in business development. Actually, to be honest I believe it's been going on and off since way back when I was still studying and completing my BBA with a full speed. I just never let myself properly heal as I am a master of putting up a brave face, because I feel it's anyone else's job to carry me and my load, therefore even fooling myself. It's good to have an optimistic and positive attitude towards life, but sometimes it bites me to my arse too.
I am 41-year old woman now, and for nearly past twenty years I have been just always pushing forward, kept going and performing no matter what happens in my life. When facing the feelings of exhaustion or even depression, I have thought if I change a job, even a country or outside circumstance of any kind, I will be ok. I have always given myself that much of a slack that I have been able to keep going instead of never fully going through the process completely. Nor understanding how dangerous it is for our system and brain to maintain this fight or flight mode as continuous state of being without proper recovery in between. The fact is that change comes from within, not from outside. As long as we refuse to dig into deep seated thought and behavioral patterns, we keep going around the same loop, no matter wherever we are, or with whom we may be. I have done a lot of personal developement work over the years, but somehow I always felt into the same trap again and again, let my brain return to autopilot mode and take control of my thougths and my actions, therefore my life.
For so long I used to carry a lot of masculine energy within. I have been pushing forward, performing in different roles, always being strong, not showing vulnerability, nor my feelings, but always holding a space for someone else other than myself. I am sorry, not sorry at all, for finally choosing myself and showing off my feminine side and my true self, which at the moment is really fragile and soft, yet will be firm with boundaries. For so many years I have been just acting like a chameleon, adjusting to people around me, trying to fit myself into a box that I believed I was supposed to fit in within a particular company or environment. It’s been pretty natural to me, because I can read people’s energy, feel their emotions and sometimes almost know their thoughts, however in the middle of all that I have lost myself, not knowing how do I feel or what do I want. The box has been cracking along the way, and I have been searching myself, however I have still been conscious of other people’s opinions and too scared of possible conflict in order to communicate clearly and honestly about how I do really feel. This has caused a lot of internal conflict, but also external trouble throughout the adulthood of my life.
I believe that I have adapted this behavioral pattern from my childhood. Since a little girl I have been brought up particular way. Whereas I am grateful to my parents that I have learn good manners, being kind and respectful towards others, I have also learned a role model of a good girl, who's pleasing others so that I wouldn't need to deal with any sort of conflict or that I could fit into the crew or that people could pad my back and tell me how amazing and talented I am. I have always been a performer and perfectionist, valuing myself through my academic merits, sales records or successful feedback from my clients or colleagues. Now that my own company failed big time, I have realised that my selfworth has nothing to do with the business. Business failed, not me. I did my best in the previous circumstances, and there was a lot of different components that caused the end result. I have lived in a great illusion within myself and it's now time to turn in and find out who I really am. My authentic true-self might be quite a different person than I used to be, and that's ok too. I am not going tolerate any sort of bullshit shit from myself or anyone else either, nor do I practice any sort of emotional labour to anyone around me. I am not going to please people for a sake of being accepted, to fit in or getting recognition or credits. I am sorry, not sorry at all that if it doesn’t please someone around me, they can frankly piss off.
I have a shit tons of work to do on my route to recovery and empowerment. I have been going around the circles at least three times in past twenty years, and in every round consequences have got bigger. Within last round, and last couple of years, I have been stumbling around with my lizzard brain on, all the lights completely off, just trying to survive like a primitive cave lady. I cannot say that decisions I have made in those times have been necessarily really intuitive or great, however I need to live with them and work through them. Again, I must say that in those circumstances I have done my best, and that's enough. Now than the faight (or flight) is over I can see that all the towers around me have crashed and burned down. It's time for rest, digest and restore. It's about the time to a plant a seed and start nourishing through the ash. Not that I would define myself as completely useless looser, but I will take responsibility for my part of the mess. It may take a long time to recover and rebuilt, but most important thing is that I will feel 100% and well again. Everything else is secondary. That's a first step, and outside circumstances will then fall a place when I look after myself and my own wellbeing. Only that way I can grow stronger and jump higher than ever before! So let's jump again..
I am going to share my story with you in more detail broken down as individual posts moving forward, not because I wish anyone to feel sorry for me, but because this is really important topic. I know that so many of us are struggling with the same shit. Yet, in our modern society it is still considered shameful and embarrassing to admit that "yeah I may be a bit fucked up, because I have been just stretching for way too long mentally, physically and financially". It is not a sign of weakness, but sign of strenght to admit that you have tried to be too strong for too long. When you have done your best in your circumstances, but still failed, that's OK, and THAT'S LIFE - That's a great chance for growth! I believe that living and acting from the heart and showing vulnerability is true strenght and our super power if we just allow it!
So let's be real! We are all human, not machinery and therefore we need to look after ourselves and treat ourselves with loving kindness, whilst having fun in life. By sharing awareness and empowering each other’s we can spread the light and shift consciousness amongst humanity. We are all in this journey together in the end, so let's rise together. I hope that me sharing my story will encourage and empower other's in their journey just as these ladies inspired and empowered me on my journey as rookie skipatrol / trail crew in Canada!
Thank You for taking time to read.
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