Back In A DayMar 02, 2022
I wrote this post in December 2019 when I had just dove into the deep waters and started swimming out of there. At that time, I also realized that my mission was to empower women in the future. However, I was still too fragile to do anything but heal myself first, but I planted a seed for Alchemy of Abundance.
Often females tend to believe that we need to act tough and hide our femininity, be one of the men when we live or work in the so-called men's world as we may think that showing vulnerability or softness could be taken as weakness. These pictures were taken in Golden, British Columbia of Canada, in spring 2016 when I was ski patrolling with these extraordinary ladies. Now, right before you judge us, I tell you that this has absolutely nothing to do with "selling sex" to anyone. Instead, the pictures present raw, beautiful, and strong females who are proud of their feminine energy within a physical and masculine work environment. All of us were performing as a professional and equal workforce with the team's male members.
Within these shots, I want to state that you can have strength, wisdom, femininity, and vulnerability in the same package and still perform equally. I dare to say that making yourself vulnerable is the biggest strength you can show off. I remember first being a bit shy to do this photoshoot; However, after all, it was one of the most empowering experiences I ever had. Getting naked in this raw, pure and even sacred environment on a mountain top makes you realize how small we are, yet how deeply we are part of Mother Nature. Why do we often get so frigging serious in life anyway and forget to play and have fun?
Well, seriously speaking
My topic for this blog post is kind of serious as I will talk about burnout and depression, and that's why I wish to memorize fun and empowering moments from the past. Now that I look back to those times in Golden, I could say that even I was out of my comfort zone pretty much daily within this job, I was possibly living life at its fullest. I always felt supported and encouraged by beautiful, rad, and badass ladies, even though I was an absolute rookie in first aid, mountain safety, and avalanche control. Even when I used weird words for the first aid equipment (most likely made up by myself) and spoke with a funny Finnish accent over the radio, they still understood me and let me be without judging. Thank You, ladies (and, of course, male team members as well being equally as awesome and supportive); working and playing with you was a faithful woman empowering woman experience.
It's strength to show your vulnerability
As I briefly mentioned above, the reason is why I returned to these pictures and memories now is that I have faced burnout, therefore show vulnerability and finally stop pushing forward. I feel completely exhausted, depressed, and useless; I have been sitting with these feelings and digesting my life from the previous past and back to my twenties. It's been scary, painful, and depressing as hell. However, slowly through the process, I am finally stepping into my feminine power, treating myself with kindness and forgiveness, and most importantly, starting to love myself. I have finally chosen myself and put myself first, as I cannot be helpful to anyone if I do not feel well. I have also understood that burnout has been going on for several years since I left my career job in business development. I believe it's been going on and off since way back when I was still studying and completing my BBA at full speed. I just never let myself properly heal as I am a master of putting up a brave face because I feel it's anyone else's job to carry me and my load, therefore even fooling myself. It's good to have an optimistic attitude towards life, but sometimes it bites me to my arse too.
I am a 41-year old woman now, and for nearly the past twenty years, I have constantly been pushing forward, kept going, and performing no matter what happens in my life. When facing feelings of exhaustion or even depression, I have thought if I change a job, even a country or outside circumstance of any kind, I will be OK. I have always given myself that much of a slack that I have been able to keep going instead of never entirely going through the process thoroughly. Nor understanding how dangerous it is for our system and brain to maintain this fight or flight mode as a continuous state of being without proper recovery in between. The fact is that change comes from within, not from outside. As long as we refuse to dig into deep-seated thoughts and behavioral patterns, we keep going around the same loop, no matter where we are or with whom we may be. I have done a lot of personal development work over the years, but somehow I always fell into the same trap again and again, let my brain return to autopilot mode and take control of my thoughts and actions, therefore my life.
Balance of masculine & feminine energy
For so long, I used to carry a lot of masculine energy within. I have been pushing forward, performing in different roles, always being strong, not showing vulnerability, nor my feelings, but always holding space for someone else other than myself. I am sorry, not sorry at all, for finally choosing myself and showing off my feminine side and my true self, which at the moment is fragile and soft, yet will be firm with boundaries. For so many years, I have been just acting like a chameleon, adjusting to people around me, trying to fit myself into a box that I believed I was supposed to fit in within a particular company or environment. It's been pretty natural to me because I can read people's energy, feel their emotions, and sometimes almost know their thoughts; however, in the middle of all that, I have lost myself, not knowing how I feel or what I want. The box has been cracking along the way, and I have been searching for myself; however, I have still been conscious of other people's opinions and too scared of possible conflict to communicate clearly and honestly about how I feel. It has caused many internal disputes and external trouble throughout the adulthood of my life.
I believe I have adapted this behavioral pattern from my childhood. I am grateful to my parents that I have learned good manners and to be kind and respectful towards others. However, I have also known a role model of a good girl who pleases others so that I wouldn't need to deal with any conflict or fit into the crew or that people could pad my back and tell me how amazing and talented I am. I have always been a performer and perfectionist, valuing myself through my academic merits, sales records, or successful client or colleague feedback. Now that my own company failed big time, I have realized that my self-worth has nothing to do with the business. The business failed, not me. I did my best in the previous circumstances, and there were a lot of different components that caused the result. I have lived in a grand illusion within myself, and it's now time to turn in and find out who I am. My true authentic self might be quite a different person than I used to be, and that's OK too. I will not tolerate any sort of bullshit shit from myself or anyone else, nor do I practice any emotional labor to anyone around me. I am not going to please people for the sake of fitting in or getting recognition or credits. I am not sorry that if it doesn't please someone around me, they can frankly let me go.
Route to recovery
I have a shit ton of work to do on my route to recovery and empowerment. In the past twenty years, I have been going around the same circles, and consequences have gotten bigger in every round. The last couple of years, I have been stumbling around with my lizard brain on, all the lights completely off, just trying to survive like a primitive cave lady. I cannot say that my decisions have been all intuitive or great in those times. However, I need to live with them and work through them. Again, I must say that I have done my best in those circumstances, and that's enough. Now that the fight (or flight) is over, I can see that all the towers around me have crashed and burned down. It's time for rest, digest, and restore. It's about the time to plant a seed and start nourishing through the ash. I would not define myself as a completely useless loser, but I will take responsibility for my part of the mess. It may take a long time to recover and rebuild, but the most important thing is that I will feel 100% and well again. Everything else is secondary. That's the first step, and outside circumstances will fall into place when I look after myself and my wellbeing. Only that way, I can grow stronger and jump higher than ever before!
I know that so many of us are struggling with the same shit. Yet, in our modern society, it is still considered shameful and embarrassing to admit that "yeah, I may be a bit fucked up because I have been just stretching for way too long mentally, physically, and financially." It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength to admit that you have tried to be too strong for too long. I believe that living and acting from the heart and showing vulnerability is true strength and our superpower if we allow it! When you have done your best in your circumstances but still failed, that's OK, and THAT'S LIFE - That's an excellent chance for growth!
So let's be honest! We are all human, not machinery, and therefore we need to look after ourselves and treat ourselves with loving-kindness while having fun in life. By sharing awareness and empowering each other's we can spread the light and shift consciousness amongst humanity. I hope that me sharing of my story will encourage and empower others in their journey, just as these ladies inspired and empowered me as a rookie ski patrol/trail crew in Canada! We are all on this journey together in the end, so let's rise together.
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